Bitter Trials
by D. M. Evans
Summary: The Soldiers are not fitting back into civilian life after the war and their relationships with each other have crumbled.
1. Chapter 1

 SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1Bitter Trials

cornerofmadness

Disclaimer - not mine, all characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa et al, Square Enix and funimition. I don't make a profit

Rating – FRM

Pairing - Maes/Roy, Roy/Riza, Maes/Riza/Roy, implied Maes/Gracia ( so yes this will have a polyamorous relationship)

Time Line - Ishbal, manga-verse (with hints of anime)

Summary – The Soldiers are not fitting back into civilian life after the war and their relationships with each other have crumbled.

Author's Note –It's fifth in the series but you don't need to read the others. All you need to know is that during the war Roy was having a relationship with both Riza and Maes and when she found out about it, Riza didn't react well. This takes place soon after they get home. If you want to read the others you can find the Uncharted Series at my livejournal (cornerofmadness) or some of the stories are here

Ashes & Flames

More than Alive

Between light and shadow

Another Day in Limbo

_What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise – Oscar Wilde _

Chapter one

 SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1Roy looked around his temporary housing. He knew that he wouldn't be assigned to the Central Headquarters as much as he might want to be. Roy was all too aware that he represented a threat to the Upper Brass. A nineteen-year-old Lieutenant Colonel terrified the older officers, unprepared for his unprecedented meteoric rise. He had been promoted the moment his boots touched the soil in Central. Being an alchemist made matters worse. Who wasn't afraid of him?

Even as he and the other alchemists were driven in carriages along parade routes, Roy knew the civilians giving them a hero's welcome feared them. Still, there were so many people cheering them, so many young ladies afterwards with their flowers and candies for the soldiers that it was hard to stay grounded. Then came all the receptions and dinners with generals and wealthy merchants. Roy knew it would be all too easy to let everything go to his head.

Roy nursed on his own self-loathing to keep him from thinking he deserved the accolades and admirers. He was a butcher, the killer of innocents. Roy disgusted himself. He destroyed everything he touched, including his own life.

Pacing the too-big living room of his temporary housing, Roy knew he didn't deserve a place like this, even if it was only for the time being. He wanted to be punished. He kept hoping it would come from somewhere but the only place he found punishment was within his own dreams in the dead of night.

He'd wake shrieking, expecting a knife in his gut. He'd look up and see red eyes watching him, wanting his life. Roy felt like he should just give in. He deserved to die for what he had done. Then the dreams would fade and he'd be so alive, after midnight when the world was quiet. He had no one to turn to. Maybe that's what he deserved, utter loneliness. He had almost destroyed those most important to him.

He and Maes were trying to keep away from each other because of the damage done to Riza's heart. Roy loved her so much and he didn't want to be the cause of that much pain, only the forced separation wasn't working. The strain on all three of them was nearly unbearable. He was in so much pain because he simply did not know what to do. He loved Riza passionately but he could no longer lie to himself about how he felt about Maes. He was in love with Maes, too.

Roy hated this mess. What was wrong with his heart? Why wasn't one enough? It wasn't greed; it was need. Was he so empty that he had to struggle to fill himself any way he could? Even at that, all he felt inside was despair; despondency for things he'd done, for what he'd failed to do.

Unable to bear his lonely apartment any longer, Roy dressed.  He headed out to the closest pub, the Winking Lizard.  As always, he wondered what the hell kind of name was that? It reminded him of the desert lizards he used to see skittering away from the heat and smoke he caused. Roy wasn't sure he liked lizards. Too many memories.

The bar was fairly empty since it was still early. The bartender barely looked up. Roy hadn't worn his uniform. He was off duty and he wanted to escape recognition if he could. He couldn't stand being the hero of Ishbal any longer.

The bartender set down the requested whiskey and went off, leaving Roy to his quiet misery. Roy sat for a long time, just drinking quietly and concentrating on being nothing, thinking of nothing but he couldn't quite escape his wretchedness.  He needed more alcohol than he was comfortable drinking in order to escape the way he wanted to.

"Roy."

Looking over his shoulder at Maes, he scowled viciously. "What?"

"You're here a lot." Maes sat next to him.

"You keeping track?" Bitterness hung on every word. Maes' only answer was the harsh look glaring hot from behind his glasses. "No one asked you to watch over me."

"I don't really care," Maes said. "I'm not going to sit back and watch you slip, Roy. I'm here as a concerned friend and if it wasn't me, it'd be Riza."

"You told her," Roy hissed.

"Like I'd have to. Give your friends some credit. We're not idiots." Maes' thin lips pulled into a tense line.

Roy wanted to break then and there. He wanted to beg Maes to take him home and make everything all right. Instead, he just turned away, lifting his drink with a shaking hand.

"Roy?"

"It's too hard, Maes. I'm their hero. I wish I had died out there. I deserve it for the things I did. Even out there, in the sand, my men praised me for keeping them alive and all I could think of was, 'what are you talking about? I'm a monster. I could barely keep any of you alive and I killed so many innocents'." He said it so softly, Roy could barely hear his own voice.

"We've had this conversation. I've given you my suggestion as to what you need to do if this is how you feel," Maes said.

Roy glanced around the bar then nodded. "And it's best not discussed here."

"You're right...let's go home." Maes nodded toward the door.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Roy hedged, hating himself for going so cold. Maes deserved better than to be kept at arm's length.

"We used to be friends, Roy...before it all happened," Maes said sadly. "I miss that. That's all I'm asking for tonight, Roy, nothing more."

Roy's larynx bobbed, his pain shining so brightly from his eyes it was blinding. He nodded and got up. Neither man said anything as they walked back to Roy's new home. Roy watched Maes survey the state of the place, which was mostly unpacked and disorderly. Cardboard boxes were piled everywhere.

"Roy, what have we done to ourselves?" Maes asked softly.

Roy sagged onto a chair. "I wish I knew, Maes. I miss being friends without everything hanging over us. I hate that I did this to us."

Maes sat on a box. "Roy, you didn't do this alone. And we didn't do anything wrong."

"Are you so sure? Riza barely knows how to talk to me any more...and then what I did to her...you have no idea."

"Love shouldn't ever be wrong," Maes argued, his eyes narrowing. "And I'm sorry Riza got hurt. Neither of us meant for that to happen. I thought maybe...she was getting better."

Was Maes saying what Roy thought he was? He couldn't deal with this, not now. "That wasn't what I meant."

"What are you talking about? Her getting hurt at the tail end of the fighting?" Maes shot Roy a worried look. "That wasn't your fault. Things like that happen in war, Roy. Hawkeye wasn't even under your immediate command."

Roy shook hard, almost convulsively at the memory. "She didn't get hurt in battle."

Maes got to his feet. His voice was sharp as his daggers when he asked, "You did that to her? Why, Roy? Was it because of us? Were you fighting? Is that why you've been avoiding me?"

With a bitter, hollow laugh, Roy put his hands over his face. That Maes could even think that hurt more than he knew how to deal with. "No to all of it but the first. I did it. She begged me to. I didn't want to do that. It killed what little was left alive in me."

"Then why?" Maes put a hand on Roy's shoulder, feeling the quivering that rattled Mustang.

"Because she was so appalled by me that she wanted to be sure no more monsters like me would ever exist," Roy spat.

"I don't understand."

Roy dropped his hands away from his face. "You know her father was my mentor. He died before he told me the secrets to flame alchemy. Riza heard my plans for helping the people, you know the ones." Roy took a deep breath and Maes nodded. They had spent long idealistic nights discussing them in the academy. "She believed in them, in me, Maes. It's why she went into the military, for me, to protect me. And she was the one who told me the secret to flame alchemy."

"Her father told her," Maes guessed. "But why would you burn her, Roy?"

"Teacher didn't tell his daughter, Maes. He tattooed the array to her back. She made me destroy it. I'm the only one who knows it now," Roy whispered. "I'm the last."

"But you wear the array on your glove. Anyone could copy it. There was no need for something so extreme," Maes pointed out, his voice trembling.

Roy shook his head. "There's more to it than just the array. You have to know how to disassemble and reassemble the molecules and compounds. There are secrets to controlling the flames. The text for it was there as well. That's where I concentrated my fire."

Maes slumped down onto the floor next to Roy. "I didn't realize...she shouldn't have asked it of you, Roy. She had no right to make you feel more like a monster."

"I don't think Riza was in a good frame of mind, Maes, not then. I found her burying an Ishbalan child our military had left to rot in a ditch like a road killed dog. I think the horror just caught up to her," Roy said in her defense.

"She has such a claim on you, Roy," Maes whispered, his head drooping.

"I love her and I think she loves me, too...but she's afraid of me as well and I don't know how to fix any of this," Roy lamented.

"There's not even room for me in any of that, is there?" Maes' eyes hardened.

"There's room, Maes. I just...don't know how we all work together yet, if we even can. I didn't plan on falling in love with you," Roy replied, looking askance at Maes. "And it's unfair to you, to her, to even think about asking for you to care about me when I no longer do. It's too late for me."

Maes put his hand on Roy's shoulder. "Somewhere in there I heard that you love me, which...I don't even know how to address because you went and said you don't love yourself any more."

Roy jerked away. "I don't want to talk about it at all."

Maes caught him, whipping Roy around harshly. "You're going to. You can't do this to me, Roy. You can't say those things then shut me out."

"I didn't mean..."

"What? The words? To let them slip?" Maes shook Roy's shoulders.

"To burden you," Roy whispered, his head sagging.

Maes felt Roy trembling. He brushed a hand along his friend's cheek. "Do you love me?"

"I didn't mean to." Roy covered his eyes with one hand. "I made such a mess of things."

Maes pulled him closer. "I love you, Roy. I don't care if that makes things messy."

Roy rested his forehead against Maes' shoulder. "Does Gracia know?"

"No. It's taken me this long to admit it to you." Maes held Roy tenderly. "I came here tonight to be a friend and...I think I'm failing because I want to kiss you so badly. But I won't. We need to talk about you not wanting us to care about you because you don't care about you."

"Forget I said that," Roy muttered against Maes' neck. He should never have said anything. _Don't let Maes hear the suicidal tones_.

"I don't think so." Maes gently pushed Roy back. "Talk to me, Roy. Tell me about how you're feeling."

"I'm drunk and I said too much," Roy said, unable to look at Maes.

"Roy, I don't like how you're talking. I need you to know that I care about you. Riza cares. Even if you think we don't, we do," Maes promised him.

Roy nodded. "All right, fine. I believe you...about you. Riza...maybe in time. I'm tired, Maes. I want to go to sleep."

"Do you want me to stay? Here, on the couch, just to keep you company?" Maes asked hurriedly.

"I need to be alone." Roy turned away.

"All right."

"And Maes, you need to tell Gracia. Before we can have more talks, before we do anything more, you owe her that much or we end here. It can't go further between us...only I don't even know if it will." Roy sighed. "I don't know what to do, Maes. Maybe you shouldn't tell her. Just let it end. I'll try to save what I can with Riza. You don't have to hurt Gracia, too." Roy ran his hand through his hair. "I'm drunk," he repeated. "Forget everything I said. Don't ever tell Gracia."

"Let me worry about Gracia, Roy." Maes put his hand on Roy's shoulder. "You get some rest. We don't have to solve this problem tonight."

"Then why do I feel like we need to?" Roy whispered.

"Because you're drunk and emotionally battered. Get some rest. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon and we'll talk then. Maybe we can make some sense out of it," Maes said, steering Roy towards his bedroom. "Go to sleep. I'll let myself out."

"Thanks, Maes." Roy listened for the front door's opening and closing. When he was sure Maes was gone, he gave in to the torrent he was too proud to show his friend, dissolving into salt water on the floor.

X                     X                                 X

Maes knew this was stupid but he had to do it. The hallway of the rundown apartment complex was a stark contrast to the opulent housing provided to Roy. Hawkeye had been graduated ahead of schedule from the Academy due to time served in Ishbal but she was still nothing more than a lowly second lieutenant. Her housing reflected that.

Shock registered on Hawkeye's sleepy face as she cracked open the door. Maes saw the glint of her gun at the edge of the door. "Hughes? Do you know what time it is?"

"Yes."

She read a lot of warning in that simple word and dragged him inside. "It's Roy, isn't it?"

Maes nodded. "He's a mess, Hawkeye. He'd be furious that I'm telling you this but he needs his friends looking out for him right now."

Hawkeye set the pistol on the little table next to the door that also held her keys. "You and he were..." She couldn't look at him as the words trailed off. Her face colored.

"I don't think there is a me and him, Hawkeye." Maes leaned against the door. "He's doing his best to shut us out. Me probably even more so than you. He knows he hurt you but..." Maes rubbed his chin. "It's not my place to get into this, Hawkeye, but you deserve the truth. I just wish I knew what that was."

She was watching him now. He didn't know what to make of her scrutiny. He had been more open with her in those few sentences than he had ever been. "I know you care about him."

"That might not be enough. He thinks he's ruined us all. I'm not sure he's wrong. I don't want to be the reason there's a wedge between you and Roy. And if there is something between him and me, then I have a woman I owe answers to as well. But that's not really why I woke you up in the middle of the damn night." Maes said, each word carefully measured and chosen for fit.

Riza's eyes widened as the realization sank in. "Did Roy do something at that damn bar?"

Just like he suspected, Riza knew. "No. I got him out of there. What brought me here is...he doesn't want us to care about him because he doesn't care about himself."

Riza's breath caught. She walked stiffly to the couch and gently lowered herself onto the cushions. Maes felt even guiltier about waking her up. Her injuries plagued her. "You think he's going to hurt himself." Her hand shook where it grasped the battered arm of the old piece of furniture.

Maes sat on the sturdy coffee table facing her. "Yes, I do. I've known him a long time. I know you have as well. Roy feels things deeply."

"I know that. And he's...idealistic."

"Not any more. Ishbal crushed him. I think being made a hero has only made that worse. I've tried to talk to him about it but he's been hinky with me ever since...well, ever since you found out about us." Maes sighed. "I'm not sure I know how to help him other than to keep a close eye on him and try to let him know he's not alone."

"I can do that." Riza's lip trembled. "I don't want...he can't hurt himself."

"I don't know how to say this, so I'll just be blunt. He thinks you're afraid of him, Riza, or that you hate him as much as you love him. Or something." Maes watched her face crumple and she covered it with a hand as if trying to hold herself together.

"He has reason to. My father...he knew, Hughes, he knew what this alchemy could do. It's why he didn't give the secrets to Roy. I heard him when he was dying, wishing that he had instructed Roy in those secrets." Riza licked her lips, tears collecting along the rim of her eyes. "I heard all the beautiful things Roy wanted to do for the people and I believed in him. I finished what my father started and damn if Father wasn't right. Look at what they turned Roy in to!"

"It's not Roy's fault, Hawkeye." Maes' voice shook. He took a deep breath, steeling himself. He needed her to believe him. "This wasn't what he wanted and he wants to make things better."

"He can't take back what he did," she replied.

"But he can make it so it doesn't happen again. Roy needs us to be able to achieve those goals some day. More importantly, he needs to know that we can care about him, no matter what happened. Do you?"

She stifled a sob and bobbed her head.

Maes switched over to sitting next to her. "Then tell him. It was terrifying watching what he and the other Alchemists could do, like pissed off gods. But letting him see that fear, it's killing him inside, Hawkeye. He will become the thing you fear if we let the good inside him die. Do you know how much it hurts him that he had to hurt you? I know you had your reasons, good ones, for making him do it but I don't think it was the right thing to do. Roy's taking it hard."

Tears trickled over the fingers she had clamped over her mouth, holding back the screams that wanted to bubble out. She leaned away from Maes but he caught her and dragged her against him. Riza shuddered against him then wiped her face. "I never wanted to cry, especially in front of another soldier."

"I won't tell," he promised.

"I'll talk to Roy. I do love him but my own fears...they got the better of me."

"Then tell him that, too. It's probably better that we start being honest with ourselves."

Riza looked up at him, smiling slightly through her turmoil. "You are good for him, you know that right?"

"Someone has to be. Roy's never good to himself." Maes brushed her hair back. "I should go. I've caused enough disturbance for one night."

"No, you said the things I needed to hear. I'll talk to him and I'll watch over him. I've already made that promise to him. I just needed time to heal," Riza replied.

"I hope you feel better soon." Maes impulsively leaned in and kissed her forehead. "If he gets too out of hand for you or you're worried, call on me any time. No matter what happens, I'm still his friend."

"Thanks, and you do the same."

Riza walked him to the door. Maes took the long route home, unable to sort through all the feelings mixing inside of him.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Gracia hadn't expected Maes to say anything like the words coming out of his mouth. At first, she just couldn't understand them, as if her boyfriend had learned some ancient tongue in the desert. Her meticulously prepared meal had gone to ash in her mouth. The thought of the candies she had brought home from work for dessert made her stomach flip. Why did he choose now to say these things? She might never be able to look at food again.

Getting up from the table, she walked away from him. Her strength left her when she hit the living room. Lucky thing or she might have made it all the way to the street and who knew what would have happened then. Gracia collapsed on the couch.

"Gracia?" Maes called from the doorway.

"You cheated on me," she said flatly.

"It wasn't..." Maes came into the room and would have sat next to her but a glare stopped him dead.

"I thought Roy was your best friend," she interrupted his rationalization.

"He is," Maes said, his shoulders slumping. He moved to the fireplace, resting against it.

"I didn't realize that meant you had sex together," she snarled and Maes winced.

"Gracia, it wasn't anything we had planned." Maes seemed ready to fall limp at her feet if not for the mantle he leaned on.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Gracia propelled herself up and stalked over to him. "You cheated on me with another _man_, Maes. How do you think that makes me feel?" She wanted to hit him, to make him hurt like she did.

"I'm sorry, Gracia." Maes reached for her.

She batted his hand away. "Why? Was it that place? Were you that lonely?"

"It wasn't like that." Maes shook his head, almost seeming angry with her. "It wasn't some cheap..."

"Then what?" Gracia demanded, shoving at him.

Maes turned from her, taking a few paces away before whirling back. "I'm in love with him," he said, his eyes meeting hers.

Gracia fell back, unable to speak. She felt as cold and pale as the marble mantle. She was as insubstantial as fog. "What? I don't understand. You were supposed to love me and he was in love with...what did you say her name was? Hawkeye?"

"He is in love with her and I do love you, but I also love him," Mae said, looking utterly weary. She would have pitied him if she wasn't so frightened and angry.

"This doesn't make any sense, Maes," Gracia said, too worn to be loud. Her voice rasped like sand paper. "How am I supposed to feel? What would Hawkeye think if she knew?"

"She knows," Maes said simply.

"Oh." Gracia reared back as if slapped. She couldn't take any more. Going back to the couch, Gracia sat down hard. "I see. Well, it's good that she knows." What a stupid thing to say! What could she say that wouldn't sound inane?

"Gracia, I..."

"Get out, Maes," she said softly.

His larynx bobbed as he swallowed hard. "What?"

"Get out. I don't want to see you," she added more strongly, her fingers digging into the couch.

"You'll call me when you're ready to talk," he added hopefully.

She twisted on the couch to face him fully. "I won't call, Maes. I'm not going to see you again."

His eyes glistened. "But Gracia..."

"Out!" She pointed to the door.

To his credit, Maes didn't fight with her. He moved past her, tears in his eyes. She couldn't let them sway her. She didn't know how to handle this. Gracia lost track of time as she sat there after the front door shut. Finally, she staggered up numbly and went to the kitchen. Dinner was cold on the table and the candles had guttered.

Gracia grabbed the ends of the table cloth, folding up all four corners into a nice handle which she used to slam the contents into the wall a few times, cracking the plaster. She let the tablecloth filled with broken glass and shattered china fall to the floor. Walking like one already dead up the steps of her townhouse, Gracia drew a bath hotter than she could usually stand. She scrubbed her skin red then finally dissolved into tears as it all caught up to her.

X                                             X                                 X

Roy rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he stumbled into the Winking Lizard. The bartender glared at him as if he were somehow to blame for this.

"Usually I'm calling _him_ to haul _your_ drunk ass out of here. Guess it's your turn." The bartender jerked a thumb at Maes who swayed on a bar stool, gazing unfocused at his whiskey glass.

Roy snorted at the bartender and went over to Maes who reeked of the hard liquor            he had been guzzling. "What's wrong, Maes?"

"Get away." Maes pushed at him and fell off his stool.

Roy caught him before Maes could hit the sticky floor. He staggered back against Maes' weight. "Damn, you're heavy, Maes."

"She left me," Maes said, slurring so badly Roy could barely make out his words. Maes tried to go for the door and nearly fell again, lurching against Roy.

Roy staggered, dragging Maes along. "What?"

"Ish told her 'bout ush." Maes careened off a table then finally made the doorway.

"Oh, damn. Hush up about that now," Roy said, thankful he had a cab waiting. He poured Maes into it. Luckily, Maes broke into tears, embarrassing but at least he wasn't about to tell the world he and Roy were lovers. Finally, he passed out on Roy's shoulder, drooling down his neck. When they arrived at Maes' apartment, Roy shook Maes until he came around.

"Wha?" Maes pushed at Roy.

"We're home. Get out of the car."

Roy had to get out of the cab and drag Maes out. He paid the fare and tried to get Maes into his apartment. He was practically dragging dead weight. He was shorter and slighter than his friend so it wasn't easy. "Am I this much of a pain in the ass when I'm drunk?" he asked rhetorically. Maes didn't really respond. Roy hauled him into the bedroom and let Maes crash on the bed.

"I's feel terrible," Maes groaned. Roy darted in with a trashcan and barely leapt back in time. Maes hugged the can close, getting violently sick.

"See, this is why you should leave the drinking to me."

"She left me," Maes blubbered.

Roy sighed, taking the can from Maes, nestling the smelly thing next to the bed just in case. "Why did you tell her?"

"How did you know I did?"

"Because why else would she have left you? Besides, you told me, remember?" Roy laid Maes back on the bed. He knew there were many reasons Gracia could have broken up with Maes but he also knew Maes. The man was very likely to have confessed.

"She wouldn't even look at me," Maes moaned.

"We'll talk about it when you're sober," Roy said, feeling awful for his friend. At least Riza hadn't walked out of his life. "Why did you tell her, Maes? I told you not to tell her yet."

Maes didn't answer, out cold and drooling on his pillow. Roy covered him up and let himself out. He looked back at the apartment as he walked home. "Damn you, Maes, for being so honest. You just had to go and throw it all away." Roy knew nothing was going to make it any better. He had messed them all up.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Roy wondered if becoming a lieutenant colonel was worth it. Who knew there'd be so much damn paper work and it would only get worse when they finally settled on a command for him.

"More paperwork for you to sign, sir."

Roy jumped at the sound of Riza's voice. He boggled at her presence in his office, in uniform no less. Shouldn't she still be recovering?

"I've been temporarily assigned as your aide, sir," she said as if reading his mind.

"I didn't realize you were back on duty, Hawkeye." So much for his debonair demeanor.

"My first day." Riza set the stack of files on his desk. Her eyes cut over to him and he looked away. He had hurt her in so many ways and he wasn't ready to face her.

"There's not much to do." He decided being business like was his best bet. "This is just a temporary office until I move on." Roy winced. Obviously she already knew that much. She had to see how badly he was failing at this.

"On the contrary, there is a lot to do." She pointed to the dangerously high pile of paperwork on his desk. "And we need to set up what you'll need when you get to your permanent assignment."

Roy sighed. "All boring stuff."

"I suspect you'll be saying that often." Riza sat in the chair opposite his desk. "I know you too well. You hate being bored, which translates into your adjutant wanting to kill you and you trying to push off work on whoever is too slow to dodge it."

"I will not," Roy huffed and she just favored him with a bland look. She knew him far too well for that lie to work.  "Fine, speaking of which, let's find some volunteers. Do you want to make being my aide a permanent deal?" He asked it lightly, hoping she'd say yes, praying she wouldn't read more into it, like anything revolving around their mess of a personal life. What would he do if she said no?

"If they allow it, I don't see how you'll survive without someone to push you so it might as well be me. If nothing else, I know how to make you jump," she replied coolly.

He snorted. "Mostly you used to use fear of your father to move me."

Her smile went predatory and beads of sweat popped out on his skin. "Now I have fear of gun on my side."

"Moving right along." Roy held up a hand in surrender. "See if we can get that sniper from Ishbal on our team. He was a hell of a shot. You know the one, the blond chain smoker, the one I didn't ever understand how the Ishbalans didn't find him by the smell of cigarettes alone, Havoc something or other."

Riza flipped open a notepad. "His name is Jean Havoc."

"Anything I should know about him?"

"Good soldier." Her eyes met his. "He's loyal. He'd be good for the things you have in mind. The downside is that he _does_ chain smoke and he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"That's easily balanced out." Roy shrugged. "Another soldier caught my eye in the desert, Breda. I'd like to see his personal file." They haggled back and forth over other possibilities, Riza dutifully taking down names. Finally, they ran out of business to discuss.  Roy glanced at her shyly then whispered. "Riza, you and I need to talk."

"Not here, not now." She wrote something on a piece of paper. His place tonight with the caveat that they would not be talking about their relationship. So what the hell would they talk about? Why had she even agreed to it at all?

Still, he wasn't about to turned her down. Roy nodded, rolled the paper and set it on fire, dropping it into the trash can. "Can I toss in some of this paperwork?"

She crossed her arms. "If you're going to make a habit of asking me that, I won't be your adjutant."

Roy just sighed. The evening couldn't come fast enough.

X    X    X

Roy tried to force himself to eat and failed. It took even more effort not to drink. Riza was coming. He couldn't be drunk. He changed out of his uniform, showered and found his best casual clothing, frowning when it sagged on his frame. He had lost too much weight.

As he dragged a comb through his hair, Roy wondered why he was bothering. He had made such a mess. And yet Riza had given him hope today, a flickering match's worth of light in his darkness. Roy flung himself on the couch, knowing he was wrinkling his clothes but part of him didn't give a care. Tossing his wrists over his eyes, Roy mulled over the last several weeks. It took supreme effort to keep himself under control. He would not meet Riza with reddened eyes.

He hung back a moment when he heard the knock. He didn't want to appear desperate.

Even though he knew Riza was coming over, he didn't recognize her when she appeared on his doorstep, long red hair peeking out from under a smart little hat. Extravagant rhinestone glasses perched on her nose. Roy didn't have to work hard to summon up a smile for her as he stepped back to let her in. Riza didn't look to be in a romantic mood, a somberness veiling her pretty features. Roy didn't mind. He didn't deserve romances so he fumbled for something to say. "They have you assigned wrong. You should probably be with Hughes in Investigations."

Her eyes widened as Riza took off the hat and wig. "Is that where he's going?"

Roy nodded. "But no final word on where I'm headed." He took her coat. "Would you like tea or something stronger?"

"Stronger," she said, surprising him. He had rarely seen the young woman drink.

He touched her elbow. "Are you feeling all right, Riza?"

"Just a little tired," she admitted, sitting on his couch. "And very sore."

Roy decanted some whiskey into two glasses. Handing Riza hers, he hesitantly eyed the couch, wondering if he should sit or not. Her eyes gave him permission and he settled next to her. "I'm so sorry, Riza."

"For what?" Her face twisted as she tasted the bitter smoky liquor.

"For hurting you." He'd give anything for her not to have had her heart broke.

"I'm the one who said you had to do it." Riza's eyes dimmed as she remembered the dead child she had buried.

His stomach clenched as the smell of her burning flesh rushed back to him, an unwanted memory happily offered up by his haunted mind. Roy touched her cheek. "That isn't what I meant."

Riza nodded hurriedly, not looking at him. "I shouldn't have asked you to do that regardless. I'm sorry," she said quickly, making good her warning earlier that she wasn't ready to talk about the love triangle. "Maes was worried about you."

He didn't know what to say to that.  After several long moments, Roy finally sighed. "I don't know what to do, Riza. I've made a mess that I can't fix."

"It's…Roy, Maes told me you've been in such a dark place. He's afraid you'll hurt yourself," she faltered, the pain in her eyes haunting him.

Roy scowled. "He should have kept his mouth shut."

"No, he shouldn't and he obviously loves you, you fool." Riza's brown eyes narrowed, heat radiating out of their depths. "So do I. Did you ever give how we felt a moment's thought or did you simply decide you knew best and that we'd be better off without you?"

His head dipped down, his eyes shutting.

"Oh, I see." A defeated sigh bubbled out of Riza.

"Part of me knows that you care. Part of me thinks I've damaged us all." The words trickled out slow and soft.

"I'm hurt but pain fades. I can't hate you, Roy. I wanted to, however briefly. I can't hate the fact that you have a friend like Maes who would do anything for you, even if there is never a sexual relationship again between you. You can't dismiss feelings like this. It wouldn't be fair, especially when love is so rare."

Roy trembled, not sure what to say. She had turned the conversation to the place she said she hadn't wanted to go but he didn't stop her. "I didn't mean to fall in love with two people and hurt everyone. You left me. Gracia's left him. I've ruined everything."

"It took both of you, Roy. It's not all on you." Riza captured his hand. "I haven't left you."

He covered his mouth, unsure of what might escape it. He took a deep breath then said, "Are you sure?"

"I think I'm learning that I can be…accepting of it." Riza hesitated, her gaze dropping.

"I didn't even dare dream of it." The words choked out of him.

"I don't want to lose you, Roy. The very thought hurts. I get sick, like I'm dying inside when I try to picture life without you in it." Riza squeezed his hand harder. "Then I realize that I am forcing you to make a choice between me and Maes. It must be killing you."

Roy's chest heaved. "The choice is simple. I can't ever really be with Maes, Riza. We all know that. I can't even technically be with you so long as you're in the military. Even if none of that was true and we could do what we want, I'd choose you." The admission was hard

"And if you could have us both, no matter how secret?"

He blinked at her, too confused for words. Roy had to slowly gather them. "What are you saying?"

She lifted his hand to her lips, kissing it gently. "I love your hands," she said, dodging his question. "Did you know that? As much as you hate them for being weapons, I love them." Riza grazed another kiss over his skin. "I helped make them into the weapons they are and I see beyond that. I see them gentle and loving without their armor of ignition cloth. I love them. I love you and I've come to realize so does Maes. We both need you."

"Then where does that leave us?"

Riza said nothing. Her pupils dilated, her breath hitching. Roy imagined he could hear her heart thumping. "I…no, it's too weird."

"What is?"

"If I say, you'll wonder at my mind."

"No, never."

"I want to see you two together," Riza whispered, going red from her hairline down to where her collar obscured her skin.

Roy's jaw dropped. He didn't know what to say, as if words were suddenly foreign to him. Of all the things he thought Riza would say, that never entered his mind. He couldn't imagine her watching then suddenly he could. Blood rushed south at the thought. It was probably wrong but it excited him. What if she wanted to join in? Roy schooled the thought out of his mind before he embarrassed himself.

"Roy…please, say something."

Her broken tone hurt him. Gazing deep into the frightened brown depths of her eyes, Roy knew she had exposed herself far too much for her own comfort. He kissed her gently. "I didn't think you'd ever want that. I don't know what Maes would say but I'd like that. If I'm going to be able to see you both, I want you to be easy with each other. If you want, I'll ask Maes, see what he says."

"Yes, do." She ran a hand over his face, then caught his hands, lifting them to her lips. "This turns you on."

"I…no…uh," Roy stammered, not wanting her to think him even more perverse.

"I know you, Roy." Riza smiled, the warmth of it spreading over him.

He flushed. "It's a little hot."

She kissed him. Her tongue swirled in his mouth, more reassuring than any words. "It is arousing," she murmured.

His fingers curled in her hair. "Do you know how much I love you right now?"


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note – the full uncut chapter can be found on my livejournal (cornerofmadness)

Chapter Four

Gracia was surprised by the knock on her door. She wasn't expecting guests. As she opened the door, a shiver raced through her seeing a young blonde standing there. Gracia recognized her from the pictures Maes had sent. She couldn't fathom why Riza Hawkeye would visit her, mostly because Gracia didn't want to think about it. There was only one reason this particular soldier would be on her doorstep. Gracia stepped back. "You're Hawkeye, right?"

The blonde nodded, coming insider. "I'm sorry to drop in on you like this. I had wanted to meet you when I returned from Ishbal but I was in the hospital. Hughes talked about you so much."

"Oh, I…" Gracia didn't know what to say. Pain, deeper, more expansive than she was prepared for filled her, hearing that Maes thought so highly of her to tell his comrades in arms. The tea whistle rescued her from having to talk. "I need to get that. Would you like some?" She didn't know what made her ask. If Hawkeye said yes, then she'd be obliged to talk about things she didn't want to.

"That would be nice."

"Have a seat in the living room. I'll bring it in." Gracia kicked herself but she prepped the tea and carried the pot and some cups and sugar out on a tray. Gracia tried to pour like this was any teatime. "I'm guessing you're here because of Maes."

"I don't know why I'm here." Riza sighed and Gracia realized this was no easier on her. "He didn't ask me to come. Please don't think that."

Gracia blew across her cup, the steam dancing. "That wouldn't be his style. I've been expecting something…flashier."

Riza let out a nervous laugh. "Sorry but yes, I can see why. I don't have to tell you Hughes adores you."

"And I don't have to tell you what he's done," Gracia replied grimly.

Riza set the cup down, unable to fake an interest in tea. "I know, and I know it hurts."

Gracia gazed at the other woman, wondering again what she wanted. Of course, if anyone could understand her, Hawkeye was the one. "How did you deal with it?"

Riza picked at invisible lint on her trousers. "Not well but I had the added distraction of the war. I couldn't just walk away from it but I did close Roy off." Riza's gaze came up to meet Gracia's and it was enough to make her squirm. "It was the wrong thing to do. Maes woke me up in the middle of the night just a few nights ago, very worried about Roy. He's not like Maes. Roy goes to very dark places and we weren't sure he'd live to get out of this one." Riza paused as Gracia gasped. Gracia set her own cup down, not trusting her hand to hold it. "We're working it out."

"But he betrayed you." Gracia kept her 'with another man' to herself as much as she wanted to scream it.

"He did but I've come to realize how much they care for each other." Riza picked up her teacup again. "Roy has been suffering so much, taking all this blame onto his shoulders. It's killing me watching him dying inside over this and now, to have to see Hughes do the same." She sipped, her face pained. "I never thought I would ever see Hughes so low."

Gracia couldn't hold Riza's gaze and she didn't want to know I any /I of this. How could Riza handle it? "Why are you telling me this?" She knew it sounded cold. She should care if Maes was suffering, and she did, but that only made Gracia angry.

"Because you need to know it, whether or not you want to." Riza brushed a strand of her hair back. "I should go. I didn't want our first meeting to be this awkward but…" She shrugged and got to her feet. "I'm not asking you to forgive him or even talk to him. I'm just saying you might want to at least do the latter."

"Have you?" Gracia got up to escort her to the door. She didn't want to know the answer but she couldn't help herself.

"Yes, and I'll be sitting down with them both." Something odd fluttered by over Hawkeye's face. Gracia couldn't identify the emotion, only noting that it was strong.  "But I've had more time to deal with this. Maybe it was the war but I've learned that life is far too fragile and real love too rare. I'm learning to accept it in its myriad of forms."

Gracia caught herself swallowing down a little cry. How could Hawkeye come to this? Could she? Did she want to? Gracia couldn't stop the tremor running through her. "I'm not there yet," she said more to herself than to Hawkeye.

The blonde nodded. "I didn't get here instantly but I love Roy too much to lose him. I used to look down on women who would do anything to just hold onto a man but I can understand a little of it now. If I thought this was some casual affair, I would never forgive him. It goes far beyond that."

"For Maes to tell me." Gracia paused, cupped her hands over her mouth as if to adjust the volume of her voice. "I knew it had to be something. I told him I would never see him again." Gracia winced at the memory of it, the horrible look on Maes' face. "Maybe now…maybe I will."

"Then I'm glad I did come." Riza sighed. "It's not easy, none of this, not for us, not for them."

"I guess it shouldn't be easy," Gracia said, wishing she could be more like this woman, brave enough to adapt. "Don't tell him I'm reconsidering. I don't know what I'll do yet."

"I won't," Riza promised and Gracia let her go. She went back to the living room, staring down at the tea set. Her life would never be simple again.

X                                 X                                             X

"She's going to be here?" Maes eyed Roy as if he still didn't believe this was going to happen.

Roy opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. "She said so. I don't know how she got to this point but I'm not going to argue it. We are lucky people." He winced, realizing that was the wrong thing to say to Maes.

Hughes sighed, flopping down on the couch. "Gracia would never do this."

Roy sat across from him on a chair. "You don't know that. In Ishbal, I was sure Riza would never forgive me." He stretched his feet out in front of him, contemplating his words carefully. "Riza spoke to Gracia."

Maes' eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "She what? Why?"

Roy held up a hand. "I didn't ask her to, if that's what you're thinking. I supposed she felt if anyone could understand what Gracia is going through, it's her."

Maes nodded. "I suppose so. I just don't know how to salvage things. Do I approach Gracia? Do I wait?"

"Wait. Let her think about what Riza had to say and then, if she doesn't come around, give it one last try," Roy suggested.

Maes ran a hand over his hair. "How did you get so smart?"

Roy grinned broadly. "Always have been. How could you never notice before?"

Snorting, Maes tossed a couch pillow at Roy. "To go with that arrogance."

"Natural complement." Roy's grin broadened. "Are you nervous about this?"

"I go between turned on like crazy to scared to death." Maes wiggled into the couch, glancing down at his crotch. "What if it doesn't work or falls flat?"

"Oh, you just i had /i to bring up impotence." Roy huffed, tossing the pillow back. "Bastard. Now I'm going to be thinking about that all night."

"Why does Riza want to do this?"

Roy shrugged. "I think she loves me. She doesn't want me to choose between two illicit lovers and….I think this idea excites her, too."

"And scares her."

"Definitely."

As if on cue, a knock sounded on the door. Roy made a nervous noise then went to answer it, wondering wildly if he could be so unlucky that this was anyone but Riza. She seemed somehow fragile, like a Xing doll, standing there in her white coat. He ushered her in quickly. Riza shed her coat, leaving him breathless. He had never seen her in a dress as flashy as the red, lowly dipping one she wore now. The round moons of her breasts peeked out from the slashing neckline. Her shoes were flat. Roy figured heels would hurt her still-healing back but the flats took nothing away from the look.

"Roy." Riza smiled. "I think you're starting without everyone else."

"You dress like that, hell yes I am." He laughed, hooking his arm in hers as he escorted her into the living room. On his feet, Maes watched them expectantly. All three of them stood still for a moment as if trying to figure out what to say next. "I have wine open. Let me go get it. Sit."

When Roy came back with the wine and glasses, he found Riza had claimed the chair across from Maes and they were talking quietly about nothing of any consequence. Roy approved of that. Idle chit chat would help relax him. He could kick Maes for bringing up impotency.

"Has Roy always been one to get lost in his alchemy books?" Maes winked at Riza over his wine glass.

She laughed. "Oh, always. He and Father would have starved without me."

"Untrue," Roy huffed, already seeing where this was going.

"It _is_ true." Riza sipped at her wine. "And if he _was_ out of the lab, you knew it was going to be trouble. Want to tell Maes what you got stuck where, Roy?"

"No! You promised never to speak of that again!" Roy's face flashed red.

She smirked. "No, you _told_ me I was never speaking of it again."

"You have to tell me." Maes laughed.

Roy stabbed a finger at her, feeling the heat of his intensifying. "Riza, don't you dare."

"It's funny now but I'm sure it hurt," Riza continued, ignoring him.

"Now I have to hear it." Maes leaned closer.

"Do the words window…"

"Riza!" Roy roared. "And you quit making her tell." He elbowed Maes in the ribs.

"Make me."

Roy set his wine glass down and captured Maes' chin, planting a deep kiss on his mobile mouth. Maes squirmed under him, trying to put the wine glass aside. The man's strong arms went around Roy as the kiss deepened. Roy wondered if this was too soon but watching Riza out of the corner of his eye suggested otherwise. She was watching them with curious eyes.

Maes sucked Roy's tongue into his mouth, hiking Roy half onto his lap. Roy could feel Maes' interest pressing against his belly and the heat of Riza's gaze on his skin, a heady combination. Riza leaned over on her knees and he could look askance and see down her bodice. Having one lover's hands on him and the other in sight sent blood waterfalling and pooling in very pleasant locales.  Roy couldn't swallow down the low long groan as Maes massaged him through his trousers.

Roy let his head loll over, looking at Riza with clouded eyes. "We should move to the bed room if you're ready."

As smile flickered across her face. "After you."

X                                 X                                 X

"You don't have to walk me home. I am armed you know," Riza said as Roy opened the door.

"It's night and yes, we do," Roy said, peering outside. No one seemed to be around and maybe it would look less suspicious with three of them on the street. Not too many would suspect what they had been up to, after all.

"It can be ugly out here," Maes added, stepping outside when Roy gave the all clear. "But the gun, that's just sort of hot."  Roy nodded frantically in agreement.

Rolling her eyes at them, Riza consented to the walk and Roy wished he could have gotten her a cab but the hour was too late. He knew her back hurt her but she didn't complain as she walked. They got her home then Maes headed back to his own apartment, leaving Roy alone under the full moon. The night had been better than he could ever have hoped for. Parts of their lives were whole again, hell they were even better than that. He felt happier than he had in ages.

Looking at all the darkened lights in all the homes he passed as he walked, Roy felt his joy ebb. He wasn't in his home with his lovers, lights off, happily asleep. He never would be. If things remained as they were, they would never spend a night with him. Suddenly going home to an apartment smelling of sex, haunted with sweet memories, felt wrong. Roy turned a corner and headed back to the one place he felt at home in any more. He just hoped the bartender wouldn't have to call Maes in a few hours to help him stumble home.

Finis


End file.
